Recognising domestic abuse, and how to help someone through it

Domestic abuse is under-reported and easy to miss from the outside, partly because it rarely announces itself as one dramatic event. It is more often a pattern, and the person living inside it is often the last to name it as abuse.

The five recognised forms

Domestic abuse is not only physical. UK guidance recognises five forms, and most people living with abuse experience more than one at the same time.

• Physical abuse. Hitting, restraining, or causing injury. It does not have to leave a visible mark or require medical treatment to count.

• Psychological abuse. Threats, humiliation, and controlling what someone can do, wear or say, often paired with isolating them from friends and family.

• Financial abuse. Denying someone access to money, preventing them from working, or controlling every purchase. It is one of the most common forms and one of the hardest to spot from outside, because it can look like frugality.

• Emotional abuse. A sustained pattern of insults and criticism intended to damage someone's sense of self-worth.

• Sexual abuse. Any sexual act, or pressure toward one, that someone has not freely agreed to. This includes coercion and image-based abuse, not only physical assault.

Signs to look out for in someone else

No single sign proves abuse is happening, but a pattern is worth taking seriously:

• Unexplained injuries, or explanations that do not quite add up

• Withdrawing from work, social plans or people they used to see often

• Seeming anxious, jumpy or lower in confidence than they used to be

• Talking themselves down, or blaming themselves for things that are not their fault

• No independent access to money, or having to explain every purchase

If you think someone you know is affected

The most useful thing you can do is listen without judgement and let them keep control of the decisions. That last part matters more than it sounds: someone who has had their choices taken away by an abuser does not need a well-meaning friend doing the same thing with good intentions.

• Believe them, and tell them clearly that none of it is their fault.

• Let them set the pace. Do not push for detail they are not ready to give, and do not pressure them to leave before they are ready.

• Ask whether they have been physically hurt, and offer to go with them to a GP or hospital if they have.

• Tell them about the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, and offer to sit with them while they call if that would help.

• Keep your own safety in mind. Do not approach or confront the person you believe is abusive.

Getting help

In an emergency, call 999.

• National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge and Women's Aid), free, 24 hours: 0808 2000 247

• Men's Advice Line, for male victims: 0808 801 0327

• Galop, for LGBT+ people experiencing domestic abuse: 0800 999 5428

• Respect Phoneline, confidential support for anyone worried about their own behaviour towards a partner: 0808 802 4040

If domestic abuse has affected you, whether recently or in the past, talking to someone can help you make sense of what happened and what you want to happen next. You do not have to have a plan before you reach out.